Feeling Good But Missing Mom

I'm feeling good these days.  I'm afraid of this feeling though.  You ever get that feeling?  Like things are good but you're terrified to be okay with it?  I think it's born of the assumption that just as soon as I feel good it'll change and I'll be even more unhappy because i had a brief glimpse of that happiness.  I know I've got some bi-polar in me, so perhaps it's just the bi-polar or maybe a change in diet REALLY does make a difference but against my best judgment and against all my insecurities and fears I feel good these days, and even if it's just a brief moment in time, I'm liking this feeling.  I want it to stay forever, though it probably won't, it never does, even for the happiest person in the world, but I feel okay.  But have you guys ever been there?  happy but there's a part of you that knows it can't last.  How do you deal with it?  Live the good you get I suppose. 

Today I went and took photos for a friend who wants a modeling portfolio, maybe I'm just on the high of seeing what I can do.  I looked at the photos and I think, who took these?  Granted they aren't the best modeling photos you'll ever see, but man did I surprise myself!  I never thought I could take pictures like that.  I LOVE photography, and usually I take "art" pictures and when I feel like taking people pictures ("modeling-esque), I usually use myself because I fear most people don't know how to model, I only know cause I dabbled.  Anyway, I looked at the pics and I'm amazed with myself.  Helps with the happy feeling.  I wish I'd gotten into photography when I was younger because perhaps I would have attempted that path and now I feel like it might be too late (I know it's never too late).  I realized today how much it sucks to do something you think of as "good" and to not have mom to tell.  When I was in college my college professor, who'd lost her mom too, told me she knew how hard that could be cause you don't have anyone left to tell your accomplishments to.  It's true, today I wanted to call my mom and tell her how proud I was to have done such a good job with this shoot.  I wanted to tell her how I think I could do this if I really tried, as a career.  I wanted to ask her what I should do, do I really try?  Do I really figure out how to succeed as a photographer?  But then I realized I couldn't.  So I called my sister and told her I wanted to brag a little.  So I texted my BFF to tell her randomly how I thought I did a good job.  I felt like a braggart.  But if my mom was here I wouldn't, and she would tell me how great I was even if I'm not.  Despite feeling good, I realize I still miss my mom, for the little things like telling her my accomplishments.  I don't even have a special someone to tell to, to support me and to puff up my feathers a little so to speak.  It's okay, I know it's what it is and I can't change it, but though I feel happy and "good" these days, I still miss my mom.  But that's okay, it's allowed.

Happy 4th everyone!!