UHH! Like I don't feel unaccomplished and not understood enough, today I made a mild comment about how a normal 30 year old wouldn't feel so excited about Toy Story 3 and one of my high school friends made a comment about how we aren't 30 yet, we're still 29. But there's two things here. 1, I'm adopted and as I've gotten older I've started to feel like my birthday (which is made up) is wrong and that I'm older than I am, only by like 6 months but still around this time of year I accidentally start saying I'm older than I am. I already know that sounds crazy, but whatever, it's what I feel. So now I'm trying to explain what I feel about my birthday without sounding too nuts. But also to make me sound even more abnormal or "behind the bar" my friend mentions that she doesn't want to be 30 yet because her goal is to finish her PhD by 31 and she needs the extra year. I started to respond back that I've since given up on my 30 year old "goals" and that's why being 30 doesn't matter to me. I deleted it, cause like I need another reason to sound nuts. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friends who are accomplishing things in their lives and I know they have no idea, but sometimes I want to scream, "GREAT I GET IT!! YOU'RE AWESOME I SUCK! MY MOM DIED AND CLEARLY I WASN'T GREAT ENOUGH TO ACCOMPLISH MY GOALS AND SURVIVE THAT! No need to rub it in." And sometimes I feel like they're looking at me thinking, God, why they hell does she suck so much? To which I repeat the above.
I feel like I'm the black sheep of my high school and I'm being judged (I'm sure I'm not) but I feel like it and I just want to yell at them that I don't suck, I was just dealt a crappy hand for this life and to stop judging me for not being "normal" successful. I just feel like I'm being unfairly compared and I want it all to stop! But if I do scream, "My mom died, sorry I couldn't get my PhD AND deal with that" then I'm I KNOW they'll start thinking I'm nuts and really judge me. But I feel like I'm the loser and they can't see that it's not because I'm a loser but because my life's been a little tough since high school. *sigh* I know I'm just whining, but do you guys ever feel like that? Like you just want to scream for them to stop rubbing it in? I know they're not, I just want to scream it sometimes. My first instinct was to say, "well I'm not working on a PhD and have given up my goals so I don't care if I'm 30." but I know that's not normal or okay to say and I know she didn't mean it in the way it came out, and I'm happy she's going to get her PhD, I just don't need to be reminded that I'M not. Or that I'm not getting married or having babies or doing ANYTHING with my life, or that I'm "conventionally" successful, I already know that. Thanks.
Okay I feel slightly better, sorry guys. I'm hoping you guys kinda understand my rant, and don't just think I'm nuts too. *off to breath deeply and re-focus my energy back to the good side* :)
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