Nevermind

It's not an upswing....

It's An Upswing

I haven't accomplished anything on my list but today had an overall "better" feeling but for one bit in the middle of the day. It ended really well though. Never underestimate the power of a talk with a good friend! Thanks Mandy for making me laugh which is something I haven't done in a long time. :) love you and love you for ending my day on a positive note! Xo

One Month to Better Day 3? 4? 3...

For a brief moment today I felt happy... Or something like that. I know this won't last but if I'm lucky my undermedicated rollercoaster is starting to go up for a brief moment. God I could use a break from the downward spiral. I'm going to bed tonight wishing the roller coaster is still on the upswing. But afraid I might have only had these few hours tonight.

Goodnight and please bring me an "up" day tomorrow.

One Month To Better Day 3

I know I made of list of things I want to accomplish in the next month, but I don't know if I can succeed in doing all those things.  Each day gets harder and harder not easier and easier.  I wanted to call psychiatrists but I started having panic attacks and now all I want is to just make it through the day (just one day) without a panic attack.  Well I want more than just that but it'd be nice to be able to make the phone call I need to make to get the right meds.  Forget my health right now, that's hopeless, I know it's not helping my cause and may be helping to drive me nuts, but right now that's not number 1 on my list of things.  It would be nice though to be free of that.  I'm afraid of the shell of the person I've become. 

I miss laughing.  I miss enjoying life all the time.  I miss feeling free of useless concerns and angst.  I miss Ellie, the good one.  How much longer til I find her?

I HATE being bi-polar!  Have I mentioned that recently?  *sigh*

One Month to Better the REAL day 1

I was not too successful today. Though I did go for a walk but haven't been able to go panic attack free so I've opted to sleep through them. I slept a lot today. I really hope this time off from work works and I'm ok at the end of this...

One Month to Better Day 1

I took a leave of absence from work because things are so insane in my life. I have one month to get "better". I wanted to much to just quit my job but that wasn't really a good idea. So I took a leave. My leave ends on the 23rd of October. By then I need to be medicated correctly so that I can make the right choices under the right influence. By the. I need to have my life in order enough to keep my job if that's my choice. I must be healthy enough to keep my job should that be my choice. And I must have my "me" back. So starting tomorrow I have to start making that happen. Cross your fi hers for me ladies. I might need all the luck I can get. I plan on updating daily, even if it's just one sentence. Things I need to fix:

1. Get a psychiatrist and get the right "cocktail" to medicate myself
2. Figure out my job situation, keep it or lose it.
3. Somehow manage to exercise daily, even if it's just a little bit
4. Eat right and get my eating issues under control (ie I have struggled for years on and off with bulimia, unfortunately it's back) so I must get that I under control.
5. Learn to accept my flaws but to be realistic about what I'm supposed to look like.
6. Find as much of me as I can in a month. <--probably won't find all of me but must find some of me.

So who's with me?? We all have things we want to change. Want to reach for those goals with me?

A Letter to Yourself?

A friend of mine apparently writes herself a letter every new year. It usually contains a list of things she'd like to do. She recently found the list she made for 2010, without actually trying to do so, she accomplished everything on her list. The last thing on her list was to find herself. I can't even comprehend that. Finding myself? How does one do that? How can I find someone so lost? I admire her, I have for years but each day I see her succeed I admire her more. Sometimes when I see someone is accomplishing things I get a little jealous (I can admit that) but not this friend. When she accomplishes things I admire her even more. The only thing I have to be "jealous" of her about is that I wish I could be more like her. She's kinda my hero. I would like to find myself and accomplish things like she has. I would like to control my life like she has hers rather than let it control me. What's on your list?

What's Happening???

These days I feel like I'm going insane.  Going?  Maybe I'm already gone.  I can't even see myself through the person I've become and I can't stop who I've become.  I feel like I'm fighting it daily and failing every second.  I've lost the happiness and joy I used to have.  I can't pull myself from the hole I'm falling into, like Alice only my hole seems endless and there's no fun "Wonderland" at the end.  I want out, I want a reboot button.  I want to stop feeling like I do, if you can say feeling nothing is "feeling" something.  I told myself that if I moved to Charlotte I would make a change, I would make sure I don't bring the same misery I felt in Chicago but it would seem I don't have a choice in that.  Turns out when you move you just move your issues with you.  I know that I'm sabotaging myself but I can't control the sabotage.  I don't know what to do anymore to change this path I'm walking down.  It's like there's no fork in my road, no divergence that takes me away from this life.  And it's slowly driving me insane, though these days slowly means rapidly.  So what now?  How do I save myself from myself??  :(

Stepfamily

I don't understand why no one (other than my MDs) don't understand why this thing with my stepmom and stepfamily doesn't matter to anyone.  Everyone seems to think that it'll just be okay one day.  No one gets that the fact that I have someone in my life who basically hates me.  No one seems to understand or feel how much this affects me.  Sure maybe with tons of therapy one day it'll change but while I have no feelings towards my stepmom she just doesn't like me.  I can't blame her but still, I don't foresee a change.  And each day I screw up even more, each day I pull my dad from her due to my screw ups it strengthens her disdain for me.  And no one seems to get how much this affects me, I know it shouldn't but if it were a "friend" who decided to dislike me, I'd cut them out of my life, and I can't with her and I hate the "fake".  I don't want to be around her at holidays, but for my dad I do and it's like he doesn't get what I'm sacrificing for him, my own emotional feelings just so we can have a "happy" family.  And her family, it's like she married him but they didn't want me, they probably like my sister, she didn't do anything wrong.  I feel like I'm slipping through the cracks, like my dad is being forced to choose and he picks me only because he has to but he doesn't want to because he loves his wife so much and she hates me so much.  I know that's not true but I feel like it sometimes.  And forget having a stepfamily that enjoys me.  I don't NEED it but there's a part of me that wants to be included like he is, to be liked like he is.  Since my mom died it's like there's no one to be proud of me, no one who stands in my corner because they want to, well my sister and that means a lot but it's hard for me to let her take care of me.  I wish I could easily let her and maybe with time I can learn to lean on her, but I want my mom, I want that love too.  I want someone who thinks I can do anything (well more than one someone).  I want my dad to feel that way, I want my mom to feel that way (or for her to be around to feel that way).  To feel like I have more people on my side than against me.  My dad doesn't know how to do that, and his inability to know how to do it just makes me feel like he doesn't.  I want someone to be proud of me, to see my little successes and not just expect the big ones.    My mom would have seen the little ones, my dad only knows how to see the big ones.  He hardly knows me (I'm not sure he even does).    And some of that is him not knowing how to (but he sees my stepmom's, he knows her, he makes the effort for her).  The other part is him not trying.  How am I supposed to adjust to being bi-polar and adjusted and feel proud of myself when I feel like the person left who is supposed to believe in me, be proud of me, know me and love me not just because he has to doesn't seem like he does or is...?  I want someone to be proud of me for just making it through the day but to my dad that's supposed to be something I'm doing anyway not a success and right now I need someone to see those things as a success not a given.  Missing my mom is strong these days, for these very reasons.  There's so much more I want to say but I feel like a repeating record and maybe I'm not sure how to say it all...  And I guess part of me things it doesn't matter because no matter how much I say it or vent it, nothing's going to change.  She's not coming back and he's still going to be the same, he won't change no matter how much I want him to or need him to.  That being said I know he loves me, just not the way I need him to right now.