We have achieved maximum crisis level in this house. Okay maybe not maximum but very high. Turns out I'm bi-polar. Needless to say this does not come as a shock to me. My father has come into town because he's concerned about this. Perhaps I shouldn't be so cavalier. My sister told me she was talking about bi-polar with her therapist. For a brief moment I was very worried she was talking because she might be bi-polar too. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I realize it's not something traditionally terminal like cancer but to me it's like cancer of the heart, mind and soul. It attacks you from the inside and creates havoc there AND on the outside. You become out of touch at times that you do things you'd never have done BEFORE BI-POLAR (BBP). Wild things, crazy things, stupid things... You're over the top, you're lower than low, you feel like you've got so much energy you might pop, then all of a sudden like coming off a heroin high, you crash, you can't get up, can't do anything but stare aimlessly at the tv wishing it would take you away. It creates an alternative universe that you have to live in, one that may as well be on the planet of Kryponite, in another place, another time, and one that cripples you from living like you should, like a normal person. I don't have the worst bi-polar in the world, but I'm sure it's safe to say what I do have is far from normal. Right, what is normal, I know.... but still. So to kill my cancer of the mind, I have to treat it like cancer right? Treat it, fix it, monitor it, kill it. Or you know...
There's so much to be done to "take care" of this issue. I can't help but wonder if when my mom died, a small seed was planted by that experience. And over the years that seed has grown and grown and now here it is, a giant tree, my special "cancer" that has to be treated. I'm not blaming her death, I'm not blaming anyone really, I realize that being bi-polar is not something I did, nor anyone or any thing else. It's just something that is. I have no control over whether or not I get it, it's not like the flu, you can't just plan ahead and wash your hands constantly or stay away from someone who has had it, it's just there. Somewhere it starts and takes off. Flash forward to now, when it's somewhat out of control. Fortunately I have wondered in the past, fortunately I'm somewhat educated about what it actually is, and I was able to finally see that maybe my behavior was not just me being melodramatic or depressed but that perhaps there was something more. Seeing that maybe I can stop this beast from hulking up more than it already has. Maybe I can stop this destructive THING. Maybe I CAN be saved. But instead of my salvation being found in a church or a mosque or a temple, maybe I'm going to have to find my salvation in a pill, a bottle of "happy pills". I never wanted that, don't want to rely on something like a pill, but clearly this isn't something that can be fixed with more meditating or yoga or exercise. This is bigger than that. Perhaps I still need to meditate, do yoga, exercise, but without those "happy pills" I don't think I'll ever achieve "normality" without them. Like when someone has to take iron pills for anemia, perhaps I have to take "normal" pills for normalcy.
I have so much inside to say but I'm not sure I have the energy or mental capacity now to continue.... *sigh* I repeat, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Feeling Good But Missing Mom
I'm feeling good these days. I'm afraid of this feeling though. You ever get that feeling? Like things are good but you're terrified to be okay with it? I think it's born of the assumption that just as soon as I feel good it'll change and I'll be even more unhappy because i had a brief glimpse of that happiness. I know I've got some bi-polar in me, so perhaps it's just the bi-polar or maybe a change in diet REALLY does make a difference but against my best judgment and against all my insecurities and fears I feel good these days, and even if it's just a brief moment in time, I'm liking this feeling. I want it to stay forever, though it probably won't, it never does, even for the happiest person in the world, but I feel okay. But have you guys ever been there? happy but there's a part of you that knows it can't last. How do you deal with it? Live the good you get I suppose.
Today I went and took photos for a friend who wants a modeling portfolio, maybe I'm just on the high of seeing what I can do. I looked at the photos and I think, who took these? Granted they aren't the best modeling photos you'll ever see, but man did I surprise myself! I never thought I could take pictures like that. I LOVE photography, and usually I take "art" pictures and when I feel like taking people pictures ("modeling-esque), I usually use myself because I fear most people don't know how to model, I only know cause I dabbled. Anyway, I looked at the pics and I'm amazed with myself. Helps with the happy feeling. I wish I'd gotten into photography when I was younger because perhaps I would have attempted that path and now I feel like it might be too late (I know it's never too late). I realized today how much it sucks to do something you think of as "good" and to not have mom to tell. When I was in college my college professor, who'd lost her mom too, told me she knew how hard that could be cause you don't have anyone left to tell your accomplishments to. It's true, today I wanted to call my mom and tell her how proud I was to have done such a good job with this shoot. I wanted to tell her how I think I could do this if I really tried, as a career. I wanted to ask her what I should do, do I really try? Do I really figure out how to succeed as a photographer? But then I realized I couldn't. So I called my sister and told her I wanted to brag a little. So I texted my BFF to tell her randomly how I thought I did a good job. I felt like a braggart. But if my mom was here I wouldn't, and she would tell me how great I was even if I'm not. Despite feeling good, I realize I still miss my mom, for the little things like telling her my accomplishments. I don't even have a special someone to tell to, to support me and to puff up my feathers a little so to speak. It's okay, I know it's what it is and I can't change it, but though I feel happy and "good" these days, I still miss my mom. But that's okay, it's allowed.
Happy 4th everyone!!
Today I went and took photos for a friend who wants a modeling portfolio, maybe I'm just on the high of seeing what I can do. I looked at the photos and I think, who took these? Granted they aren't the best modeling photos you'll ever see, but man did I surprise myself! I never thought I could take pictures like that. I LOVE photography, and usually I take "art" pictures and when I feel like taking people pictures ("modeling-esque), I usually use myself because I fear most people don't know how to model, I only know cause I dabbled. Anyway, I looked at the pics and I'm amazed with myself. Helps with the happy feeling. I wish I'd gotten into photography when I was younger because perhaps I would have attempted that path and now I feel like it might be too late (I know it's never too late). I realized today how much it sucks to do something you think of as "good" and to not have mom to tell. When I was in college my college professor, who'd lost her mom too, told me she knew how hard that could be cause you don't have anyone left to tell your accomplishments to. It's true, today I wanted to call my mom and tell her how proud I was to have done such a good job with this shoot. I wanted to tell her how I think I could do this if I really tried, as a career. I wanted to ask her what I should do, do I really try? Do I really figure out how to succeed as a photographer? But then I realized I couldn't. So I called my sister and told her I wanted to brag a little. So I texted my BFF to tell her randomly how I thought I did a good job. I felt like a braggart. But if my mom was here I wouldn't, and she would tell me how great I was even if I'm not. Despite feeling good, I realize I still miss my mom, for the little things like telling her my accomplishments. I don't even have a special someone to tell to, to support me and to puff up my feathers a little so to speak. It's okay, I know it's what it is and I can't change it, but though I feel happy and "good" these days, I still miss my mom. But that's okay, it's allowed.
Happy 4th everyone!!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Undisputable Proof Of Capability
the other day when I read this is resounded so strongly within me. I'm not fully "capable" yet, and at what, I'm not sure, but I feel a little change. Not a big one, like I need, but a small one, and right now I need that small feeling of change. Maybe more than I need the BIG change I want. The small change (which comes from I don't know where) is important because it's like the first step in AA, they always say the first step is the hardest, and if I feel as though I'm succeeding at this tiny step, maybe I can fulfill the big change. Maybe I need this small change this small FEELING, not even a change really, to remind me how strong I am and how I can do what I need or want. Course this feeling is BRAND new so check in with me again in a week but right now it's a glimmer of hope and I need that glimmer. :)
Sorry I've been so quiet recently. I hope everyone is well. Happy soon-to-be Fourth everyone! :)
Undisputable Proof of Capability
The sudden realization that you are entirely capable of realizing the objectives you set for yourself can awe you today. You may feel particularly capable, clever, and creative, or you may simply understand that your aptitudes are refined enough to carry you forward. However, if you do not feel an inspirational sense of self-assurance today, consider devoting a portion of your free time to focused introspection. As you reflect upon your past, the triumphs you see in your own life’s history can prove to you that you have met the universe’s challenges with aplomb. You can make the most of the glory you see today by channeling the pride you likely feel into your goal-realization efforts in the present.
Our past accomplishments can be a wonderful source of inspiration and motivation because they demonstrate to us that we have within us what it takes to make our dreams come true. We encounter much in our individual journeys that can awaken the specter of self-doubt in our minds and hearts. To combat these demoralizing forces, we should look toward the achievements that made us feel proud and capable. As we review these triumphs in our mind’s eye, our determination to successfully realize our current objectives is reaffirmed. We instinctively understand that no trial or test we face in the future will be more trying than that which we were called upon to best in the past. You will find the strength to move forward today when you look backward and see the many great feats you have already performed.
Sorry I've been so quiet recently. I hope everyone is well. Happy soon-to-be Fourth everyone! :)
Undisputable Proof of Capability
The sudden realization that you are entirely capable of realizing the objectives you set for yourself can awe you today. You may feel particularly capable, clever, and creative, or you may simply understand that your aptitudes are refined enough to carry you forward. However, if you do not feel an inspirational sense of self-assurance today, consider devoting a portion of your free time to focused introspection. As you reflect upon your past, the triumphs you see in your own life’s history can prove to you that you have met the universe’s challenges with aplomb. You can make the most of the glory you see today by channeling the pride you likely feel into your goal-realization efforts in the present.
Our past accomplishments can be a wonderful source of inspiration and motivation because they demonstrate to us that we have within us what it takes to make our dreams come true. We encounter much in our individual journeys that can awaken the specter of self-doubt in our minds and hearts. To combat these demoralizing forces, we should look toward the achievements that made us feel proud and capable. As we review these triumphs in our mind’s eye, our determination to successfully realize our current objectives is reaffirmed. We instinctively understand that no trial or test we face in the future will be more trying than that which we were called upon to best in the past. You will find the strength to move forward today when you look backward and see the many great feats you have already performed.
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