We have achieved maximum crisis level in this house. Okay maybe not maximum but very high. Turns out I'm bi-polar. Needless to say this does not come as a shock to me. My father has come into town because he's concerned about this. Perhaps I shouldn't be so cavalier. My sister told me she was talking about bi-polar with her therapist. For a brief moment I was very worried she was talking because she might be bi-polar too. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I realize it's not something traditionally terminal like cancer but to me it's like cancer of the heart, mind and soul. It attacks you from the inside and creates havoc there AND on the outside. You become out of touch at times that you do things you'd never have done BEFORE BI-POLAR (BBP). Wild things, crazy things, stupid things... You're over the top, you're lower than low, you feel like you've got so much energy you might pop, then all of a sudden like coming off a heroin high, you crash, you can't get up, can't do anything but stare aimlessly at the tv wishing it would take you away. It creates an alternative universe that you have to live in, one that may as well be on the planet of Kryponite, in another place, another time, and one that cripples you from living like you should, like a normal person. I don't have the worst bi-polar in the world, but I'm sure it's safe to say what I do have is far from normal. Right, what is normal, I know.... but still. So to kill my cancer of the mind, I have to treat it like cancer right? Treat it, fix it, monitor it, kill it. Or you know...
There's so much to be done to "take care" of this issue. I can't help but wonder if when my mom died, a small seed was planted by that experience. And over the years that seed has grown and grown and now here it is, a giant tree, my special "cancer" that has to be treated. I'm not blaming her death, I'm not blaming anyone really, I realize that being bi-polar is not something I did, nor anyone or any thing else. It's just something that is. I have no control over whether or not I get it, it's not like the flu, you can't just plan ahead and wash your hands constantly or stay away from someone who has had it, it's just there. Somewhere it starts and takes off. Flash forward to now, when it's somewhat out of control. Fortunately I have wondered in the past, fortunately I'm somewhat educated about what it actually is, and I was able to finally see that maybe my behavior was not just me being melodramatic or depressed but that perhaps there was something more. Seeing that maybe I can stop this beast from hulking up more than it already has. Maybe I can stop this destructive THING. Maybe I CAN be saved. But instead of my salvation being found in a church or a mosque or a temple, maybe I'm going to have to find my salvation in a pill, a bottle of "happy pills". I never wanted that, don't want to rely on something like a pill, but clearly this isn't something that can be fixed with more meditating or yoga or exercise. This is bigger than that. Perhaps I still need to meditate, do yoga, exercise, but without those "happy pills" I don't think I'll ever achieve "normality" without them. Like when someone has to take iron pills for anemia, perhaps I have to take "normal" pills for normalcy.
I have so much inside to say but I'm not sure I have the energy or mental capacity now to continue.... *sigh* I repeat, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
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