Do We Ever Heal?

I do believe we heal from our mom's death.  Even though in our darkest hour when we feel hopeless and lost and like it's never going to happen, I still believe somewhere deep down inside that we heal.  I know it's possible, I healed once and for years I was pain-free.  It came back but I know it will go away again, I know that feeling sad and lost will go away.  We'll always have the scar of the loss of our moms, but just like all scars it will fade.  We'll never forget how we got that scar, we'll never forget our moms but we'll learn to live with the scar, even see it as a show of the strength we have within ourselves.  We'll always miss our moms, who wouldn't, but we'll learn to smile when we think of her rather than holding back tears.  We'll change the way we talk about her, we'll sound happy for the times we had with her rather than sad for the time we've lost.  We'll heal, we'll just have a scar.  If you feel like you're fighting a losing battle, you're not.  There's happiness out there, it just takes time to get there.  We'll heal, I promise.

An Open Apology to My MDs

Some how this blog went from being about MDs and things MDs deal with to ME.  Bleh.  So to those who found my last... um, 25 or so blogs useless to anything MD, I'm sorry.  I never meant to let this run away and become about me, it was about you all, for you all.  I will work hard to take this back to you all and not let it become about me (again).

I found this quote I'd cut out a long time ago, I have no idea who said it, but it made me think of you all.  "Bravery is about a willingness to show emotional need" and for those of you who have reached out and allowed me to be "there" for you, I admire you.  And for those who have even just let me be a part of your life through our MD connection I commend you too, it's not easy being an MD but there's a comfort knowing your not alone and you have a place to "go" so to speak, not just with me but with other MDs all over.  You guys are great and again, sorry about how off track I got. 

XO All

A Change Is Coming... I Hope

I can't imagine the meds are already working but I'm starting to feel different. The ups followed by the downs make me wary to believe I could be feeling better but for once I've got a glimmer of hope I could be coming out of a down and maybe, just maybe I won't go back to the dark down. It's scary though, the idea that I might be shown joy and could have it taken away. While I'm happy for the change, if it is permanent, I'm sad that it's artificially created. I'm a little sad that from here on out, any joy or normalcy I feel is coming from a bevy of pills. It seems unfair, I want to be normal on my own. At this point though maybe it doesn't matter how I get to normal as long as I get there. I still wish I didn't have to take pills for the rest of my life. I wish that I weren't fighting the dark for the rest of my life, but I guess I don't get a choice and should be glad, at the very least, that there are ways to keep the dark at bay, even if I don't like those ways... I'm conflicted, might be forever... But once the dust settles at least I'll be happily conflicted.

Spiraling, New Meds and Misc

So I went to the psychiatrist the other day and he had me on a bevy of new drugs. We've left "normal" drugs behind and are now onto "serious" drugs. One of the new ones is one of two drugs (the other being Lithium) that can help with my issue in a specific way that I don't quite understand but it's this drug and Lithium that does this special thing. LITHIUM! LITHIUM. It scares the hell out of me. I mean lithium is, like, a real drug! How did I get this bad? And of course now I'm dealing with changing my meds while trying to survive life and the few things I have to deal with (a stupid online course that I'm afraid I'm going to fail). Honestly, I'm terrified of the next steps in the process. And not only am I on this wanna be Lithium, I'm also on Prozac now, I mean how bad can I be if Prozac isn't enough?? And don't forget the new sleeping drugs and the anti-anxiety pills that don't quite work as I've had to triple the dose today and it's not doing much. And yet with that arsenal I still feel like I'm spiraling out of control, which could actually be a temporary side effect of the wanna-be Lithium. And this drug, the side effects are wierd! One is a rare rash that could kill you, one is the panic attacks (WTF? Shouldn't it be helping those) and one, this one is scary, is that it creates suicidal tendencies! WTF?!? are you kidding me?? And I live alone. How do I know if I get that side effect, that I'll be able to stop myself if the drugs have convinced me that I want to kill myself? Then it's up to me to stop myself and if the drugs have created the urge, can I pull through the drugs to stop the urge?? I'm afraid of this new drug. That beg said I
MUST learn to trust my doctor when he says this is the best drug for longterm with the least side effects. God I hope so... Please let this spiral go away and the meds to make it all ok and not worse. Please please please....
That'd all my news on the BP adventure.

Nevermind

It's not an upswing....

It's An Upswing

I haven't accomplished anything on my list but today had an overall "better" feeling but for one bit in the middle of the day. It ended really well though. Never underestimate the power of a talk with a good friend! Thanks Mandy for making me laugh which is something I haven't done in a long time. :) love you and love you for ending my day on a positive note! Xo

One Month to Better Day 3? 4? 3...

For a brief moment today I felt happy... Or something like that. I know this won't last but if I'm lucky my undermedicated rollercoaster is starting to go up for a brief moment. God I could use a break from the downward spiral. I'm going to bed tonight wishing the roller coaster is still on the upswing. But afraid I might have only had these few hours tonight.

Goodnight and please bring me an "up" day tomorrow.