Deep Thoughts at 3:30am?

No, there are no deep thoughts at 3:30AM.  There are wishes that I could have my mom back.  I've always been a pretty bad sleeper.  Even when I was in middle school I would ask my mom to come lay in bed with me until I "fell" asleep.  I never fell asleep.  Instead I would lay there with my head on her chest listening to her heartbeat and the quiet soft almost theraputically calm air entering her lungs and then a moment later, leaving her lungs.  Another moment that deep calming sound of air entering her lungs would start and another moment and it would leave again.  I would lay like that for as long as I could keep her there.  I would listen to her heartbeat and her breath until she thought I was asleep, then she would quietly and without "waking me up" slide out from under my head and leave me to sleep.  Some nights (not too many so she wouldn't figure out my tricks), some nights I would twitch or move a little after a little while so she knew I was still awake and would stay longer.  I never fell asleep that way, but I'm pretty sure within a half an hour of her leaving, whenever she did, I would fall asleep.  I might have fallen asleep even before that should she not come lay with me but I'm going to assume that's not really the case.

So here I am, yet another night WIDE AWAKE.  Did I mention my alarm has to go off in 3 hours and that I have to work a 12 or so hour day tomorrow with 4 legs?  No, well I do and no matter how hard I tried earlier to go to bed, I just couldn't.  Where's mom when I need her.  Why hasn't this ever gone away without her?  After she died my insomnia went from "teenage-esque" to OUT OF CONTROL.  I was still up at 4:30 despite the fact that I would have to be at school in 3 and half hours. No wonder I feel asleep during ALL my French tests.  If only my French teacher had known, maybe she would have just let me sleep and DREAM in French. Eventually over the years it became manageable.  I think manageable is out the window again.  I have HOPES that this will force me to be so exhausted tomorrow night after work that maybe just maybe I'll be able to sleep like a normal person.  My favorite part of insomnia is that if stay awake and force myself to a "normal" bedtime (10-ish), then the insomnia sits in and I find myself WIDE AWAKE.  However at about 6 or 7 tomorrow night I'll want to pass out.  That will be a delightful feeling until I wake up at 10 or 11 and then won't be able to sleep until ....  Uhh won't be able to sleep.  Tomorrow's gonna be an awesome day. 

But back to where this all started, damn, where did this all start??  Insomnia sucks and Ambien is great if I can plan it perfectly, but the only REAL solution to MY insomnia is mom.  Damn.  There are days when this injustice falls higher on the list of injustices that come directly from the loss of my mom.  I suppose since I have clearly run out of anything useful to say (did I even HAVE anything useful this evening?), well all the more reason to attempt one LAST time for maybe 2.5 hours of sleep, or whatever?

Uhh, in the future these will be slightly more useful to the MD community ;) and less a rant of my current insomnia life. ;)