Sunday, September 19, 2010
What's Happening???
These days I feel like I'm going insane. Going? Maybe I'm already gone. I can't even see myself through the person I've become and I can't stop who I've become. I feel like I'm fighting it daily and failing every second. I've lost the happiness and joy I used to have. I can't pull myself from the hole I'm falling into, like Alice only my hole seems endless and there's no fun "Wonderland" at the end. I want out, I want a reboot button. I want to stop feeling like I do, if you can say feeling nothing is "feeling" something. I told myself that if I moved to Charlotte I would make a change, I would make sure I don't bring the same misery I felt in Chicago but it would seem I don't have a choice in that. Turns out when you move you just move your issues with you. I know that I'm sabotaging myself but I can't control the sabotage. I don't know what to do anymore to change this path I'm walking down. It's like there's no fork in my road, no divergence that takes me away from this life. And it's slowly driving me insane, though these days slowly means rapidly. So what now? How do I save myself from myself?? :(
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Oh Ellie. I am right there with you. I wish I could give you some wonderful words of encouragement and advice, but you know I'm going through my own "darkness" too. I guess the only encouraging words I can give you are that you aren't going through it alone, and we can hopefully come out of it together! Send me an email or something if you need to get out any specifics... or you could just non-rev (is that the right term?) to NY and we can cheer each other up!! I know this is the most un-helpful response ever, lol. I know what you mean when you say you feel like you have lost the happiness or joy that you used to have, sometimes I wonder if mine will ever come back or if I am doomed to live like this forever... but then YOU remind me that it comes in cycles and waves and that I will be okay, so take your own wise advice sweetie (unless you are lying to me, lol) Okay, write more to me if you want. :) LOVE LOVE!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Ellie! I don't have much advice either, just that it CAN'T be like this forever. I know that when my mom first passed, I would literally force myself to do things to cheer me up and feel better. Even if it would be getting my hair cut. I would make the appointment and it would force me to get out of the house. I did more and more things like that and now I find my weekends full of activities. Maybe I'm just distracting myself from the pain, but it seems to be working. Surround yourself with those that know what you're going through and hold them accountable for picking you up when you are down. That's what friends are there for! Take care hun!!
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