Do We Ever Heal?

I do believe we heal from our mom's death.  Even though in our darkest hour when we feel hopeless and lost and like it's never going to happen, I still believe somewhere deep down inside that we heal.  I know it's possible, I healed once and for years I was pain-free.  It came back but I know it will go away again, I know that feeling sad and lost will go away.  We'll always have the scar of the loss of our moms, but just like all scars it will fade.  We'll never forget how we got that scar, we'll never forget our moms but we'll learn to live with the scar, even see it as a show of the strength we have within ourselves.  We'll always miss our moms, who wouldn't, but we'll learn to smile when we think of her rather than holding back tears.  We'll change the way we talk about her, we'll sound happy for the times we had with her rather than sad for the time we've lost.  We'll heal, we'll just have a scar.  If you feel like you're fighting a losing battle, you're not.  There's happiness out there, it just takes time to get there.  We'll heal, I promise.

An Open Apology to My MDs

Some how this blog went from being about MDs and things MDs deal with to ME.  Bleh.  So to those who found my last... um, 25 or so blogs useless to anything MD, I'm sorry.  I never meant to let this run away and become about me, it was about you all, for you all.  I will work hard to take this back to you all and not let it become about me (again).

I found this quote I'd cut out a long time ago, I have no idea who said it, but it made me think of you all.  "Bravery is about a willingness to show emotional need" and for those of you who have reached out and allowed me to be "there" for you, I admire you.  And for those who have even just let me be a part of your life through our MD connection I commend you too, it's not easy being an MD but there's a comfort knowing your not alone and you have a place to "go" so to speak, not just with me but with other MDs all over.  You guys are great and again, sorry about how off track I got. 

XO All

A Change Is Coming... I Hope

I can't imagine the meds are already working but I'm starting to feel different. The ups followed by the downs make me wary to believe I could be feeling better but for once I've got a glimmer of hope I could be coming out of a down and maybe, just maybe I won't go back to the dark down. It's scary though, the idea that I might be shown joy and could have it taken away. While I'm happy for the change, if it is permanent, I'm sad that it's artificially created. I'm a little sad that from here on out, any joy or normalcy I feel is coming from a bevy of pills. It seems unfair, I want to be normal on my own. At this point though maybe it doesn't matter how I get to normal as long as I get there. I still wish I didn't have to take pills for the rest of my life. I wish that I weren't fighting the dark for the rest of my life, but I guess I don't get a choice and should be glad, at the very least, that there are ways to keep the dark at bay, even if I don't like those ways... I'm conflicted, might be forever... But once the dust settles at least I'll be happily conflicted.

Spiraling, New Meds and Misc

So I went to the psychiatrist the other day and he had me on a bevy of new drugs. We've left "normal" drugs behind and are now onto "serious" drugs. One of the new ones is one of two drugs (the other being Lithium) that can help with my issue in a specific way that I don't quite understand but it's this drug and Lithium that does this special thing. LITHIUM! LITHIUM. It scares the hell out of me. I mean lithium is, like, a real drug! How did I get this bad? And of course now I'm dealing with changing my meds while trying to survive life and the few things I have to deal with (a stupid online course that I'm afraid I'm going to fail). Honestly, I'm terrified of the next steps in the process. And not only am I on this wanna be Lithium, I'm also on Prozac now, I mean how bad can I be if Prozac isn't enough?? And don't forget the new sleeping drugs and the anti-anxiety pills that don't quite work as I've had to triple the dose today and it's not doing much. And yet with that arsenal I still feel like I'm spiraling out of control, which could actually be a temporary side effect of the wanna-be Lithium. And this drug, the side effects are wierd! One is a rare rash that could kill you, one is the panic attacks (WTF? Shouldn't it be helping those) and one, this one is scary, is that it creates suicidal tendencies! WTF?!? are you kidding me?? And I live alone. How do I know if I get that side effect, that I'll be able to stop myself if the drugs have convinced me that I want to kill myself? Then it's up to me to stop myself and if the drugs have created the urge, can I pull through the drugs to stop the urge?? I'm afraid of this new drug. That beg said I
MUST learn to trust my doctor when he says this is the best drug for longterm with the least side effects. God I hope so... Please let this spiral go away and the meds to make it all ok and not worse. Please please please....
That'd all my news on the BP adventure.

Nevermind

It's not an upswing....

It's An Upswing

I haven't accomplished anything on my list but today had an overall "better" feeling but for one bit in the middle of the day. It ended really well though. Never underestimate the power of a talk with a good friend! Thanks Mandy for making me laugh which is something I haven't done in a long time. :) love you and love you for ending my day on a positive note! Xo

One Month to Better Day 3? 4? 3...

For a brief moment today I felt happy... Or something like that. I know this won't last but if I'm lucky my undermedicated rollercoaster is starting to go up for a brief moment. God I could use a break from the downward spiral. I'm going to bed tonight wishing the roller coaster is still on the upswing. But afraid I might have only had these few hours tonight.

Goodnight and please bring me an "up" day tomorrow.

One Month To Better Day 3

I know I made of list of things I want to accomplish in the next month, but I don't know if I can succeed in doing all those things.  Each day gets harder and harder not easier and easier.  I wanted to call psychiatrists but I started having panic attacks and now all I want is to just make it through the day (just one day) without a panic attack.  Well I want more than just that but it'd be nice to be able to make the phone call I need to make to get the right meds.  Forget my health right now, that's hopeless, I know it's not helping my cause and may be helping to drive me nuts, but right now that's not number 1 on my list of things.  It would be nice though to be free of that.  I'm afraid of the shell of the person I've become. 

I miss laughing.  I miss enjoying life all the time.  I miss feeling free of useless concerns and angst.  I miss Ellie, the good one.  How much longer til I find her?

I HATE being bi-polar!  Have I mentioned that recently?  *sigh*

One Month to Better the REAL day 1

I was not too successful today. Though I did go for a walk but haven't been able to go panic attack free so I've opted to sleep through them. I slept a lot today. I really hope this time off from work works and I'm ok at the end of this...

One Month to Better Day 1

I took a leave of absence from work because things are so insane in my life. I have one month to get "better". I wanted to much to just quit my job but that wasn't really a good idea. So I took a leave. My leave ends on the 23rd of October. By then I need to be medicated correctly so that I can make the right choices under the right influence. By the. I need to have my life in order enough to keep my job if that's my choice. I must be healthy enough to keep my job should that be my choice. And I must have my "me" back. So starting tomorrow I have to start making that happen. Cross your fi hers for me ladies. I might need all the luck I can get. I plan on updating daily, even if it's just one sentence. Things I need to fix:

1. Get a psychiatrist and get the right "cocktail" to medicate myself
2. Figure out my job situation, keep it or lose it.
3. Somehow manage to exercise daily, even if it's just a little bit
4. Eat right and get my eating issues under control (ie I have struggled for years on and off with bulimia, unfortunately it's back) so I must get that I under control.
5. Learn to accept my flaws but to be realistic about what I'm supposed to look like.
6. Find as much of me as I can in a month. <--probably won't find all of me but must find some of me.

So who's with me?? We all have things we want to change. Want to reach for those goals with me?

A Letter to Yourself?

A friend of mine apparently writes herself a letter every new year. It usually contains a list of things she'd like to do. She recently found the list she made for 2010, without actually trying to do so, she accomplished everything on her list. The last thing on her list was to find herself. I can't even comprehend that. Finding myself? How does one do that? How can I find someone so lost? I admire her, I have for years but each day I see her succeed I admire her more. Sometimes when I see someone is accomplishing things I get a little jealous (I can admit that) but not this friend. When she accomplishes things I admire her even more. The only thing I have to be "jealous" of her about is that I wish I could be more like her. She's kinda my hero. I would like to find myself and accomplish things like she has. I would like to control my life like she has hers rather than let it control me. What's on your list?

What's Happening???

These days I feel like I'm going insane.  Going?  Maybe I'm already gone.  I can't even see myself through the person I've become and I can't stop who I've become.  I feel like I'm fighting it daily and failing every second.  I've lost the happiness and joy I used to have.  I can't pull myself from the hole I'm falling into, like Alice only my hole seems endless and there's no fun "Wonderland" at the end.  I want out, I want a reboot button.  I want to stop feeling like I do, if you can say feeling nothing is "feeling" something.  I told myself that if I moved to Charlotte I would make a change, I would make sure I don't bring the same misery I felt in Chicago but it would seem I don't have a choice in that.  Turns out when you move you just move your issues with you.  I know that I'm sabotaging myself but I can't control the sabotage.  I don't know what to do anymore to change this path I'm walking down.  It's like there's no fork in my road, no divergence that takes me away from this life.  And it's slowly driving me insane, though these days slowly means rapidly.  So what now?  How do I save myself from myself??  :(

Stepfamily

I don't understand why no one (other than my MDs) don't understand why this thing with my stepmom and stepfamily doesn't matter to anyone.  Everyone seems to think that it'll just be okay one day.  No one gets that the fact that I have someone in my life who basically hates me.  No one seems to understand or feel how much this affects me.  Sure maybe with tons of therapy one day it'll change but while I have no feelings towards my stepmom she just doesn't like me.  I can't blame her but still, I don't foresee a change.  And each day I screw up even more, each day I pull my dad from her due to my screw ups it strengthens her disdain for me.  And no one seems to get how much this affects me, I know it shouldn't but if it were a "friend" who decided to dislike me, I'd cut them out of my life, and I can't with her and I hate the "fake".  I don't want to be around her at holidays, but for my dad I do and it's like he doesn't get what I'm sacrificing for him, my own emotional feelings just so we can have a "happy" family.  And her family, it's like she married him but they didn't want me, they probably like my sister, she didn't do anything wrong.  I feel like I'm slipping through the cracks, like my dad is being forced to choose and he picks me only because he has to but he doesn't want to because he loves his wife so much and she hates me so much.  I know that's not true but I feel like it sometimes.  And forget having a stepfamily that enjoys me.  I don't NEED it but there's a part of me that wants to be included like he is, to be liked like he is.  Since my mom died it's like there's no one to be proud of me, no one who stands in my corner because they want to, well my sister and that means a lot but it's hard for me to let her take care of me.  I wish I could easily let her and maybe with time I can learn to lean on her, but I want my mom, I want that love too.  I want someone who thinks I can do anything (well more than one someone).  I want my dad to feel that way, I want my mom to feel that way (or for her to be around to feel that way).  To feel like I have more people on my side than against me.  My dad doesn't know how to do that, and his inability to know how to do it just makes me feel like he doesn't.  I want someone to be proud of me, to see my little successes and not just expect the big ones.    My mom would have seen the little ones, my dad only knows how to see the big ones.  He hardly knows me (I'm not sure he even does).    And some of that is him not knowing how to (but he sees my stepmom's, he knows her, he makes the effort for her).  The other part is him not trying.  How am I supposed to adjust to being bi-polar and adjusted and feel proud of myself when I feel like the person left who is supposed to believe in me, be proud of me, know me and love me not just because he has to doesn't seem like he does or is...?  I want someone to be proud of me for just making it through the day but to my dad that's supposed to be something I'm doing anyway not a success and right now I need someone to see those things as a success not a given.  Missing my mom is strong these days, for these very reasons.  There's so much more I want to say but I feel like a repeating record and maybe I'm not sure how to say it all...  And I guess part of me things it doesn't matter because no matter how much I say it or vent it, nothing's going to change.  She's not coming back and he's still going to be the same, he won't change no matter how much I want him to or need him to.  That being said I know he loves me, just not the way I need him to right now.

Crisis Level: Dangerous

We have achieved maximum crisis level in this house.  Okay maybe not maximum but very high.  Turns out I'm bi-polar.  Needless to say this does not come as a shock to me.  My father has come into town because he's concerned about this.  Perhaps I shouldn't be so cavalier.  My sister told me she was talking about bi-polar with her therapist.  For a brief moment I was very worried she was talking because she might be bi-polar too.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  I realize it's not something traditionally terminal like cancer but to me it's like cancer of the heart, mind and soul.  It attacks you from the inside and creates havoc there AND on the outside.  You become out of touch at times that you do things you'd never have done BEFORE BI-POLAR (BBP).  Wild things, crazy things, stupid things...  You're over the top, you're lower than low, you feel like you've got so much energy you might pop, then all of a sudden like coming off a heroin high, you crash, you can't get up, can't do anything but stare aimlessly at the tv wishing it would take you away.  It creates an alternative universe that you have to live in, one that may as well be on the planet of Kryponite, in another place, another time, and one that cripples you from living like you should, like a normal person.  I don't have the worst bi-polar in the world, but I'm sure it's safe to say what I do have is far from normal.  Right, what is normal, I know.... but still.  So to kill my cancer of the mind, I have to treat it like cancer right?  Treat it, fix it, monitor it, kill it.  Or you know... 

There's so much to be done to "take care" of this issue.  I can't help but wonder if when my mom died, a small seed was planted by that experience.  And over the years that seed has grown and grown and now here it is, a giant tree, my special "cancer" that has to be treated.  I'm not blaming her death, I'm not blaming anyone really, I realize that being bi-polar is not something I did, nor anyone or any thing else.  It's just something that is.  I have no control over whether or not I get it, it's not like the flu, you can't just plan ahead and wash your hands constantly or stay away from someone who has had it, it's just there.  Somewhere it starts and takes off.  Flash forward to now, when it's somewhat out of control.  Fortunately I have wondered in the past, fortunately I'm somewhat educated about what it actually is, and I was able to finally see that maybe my behavior was not just me being melodramatic or depressed but that perhaps there was something more.  Seeing that maybe I can stop this beast from hulking up more than it already has.  Maybe I can stop this destructive THING.  Maybe I CAN be saved.  But instead of my salvation being found in a church or a mosque or a temple, maybe I'm going to have to find my salvation in a pill, a bottle of "happy pills".  I never wanted that, don't want to rely on something like a pill, but clearly this isn't something that can be fixed with more meditating or yoga or exercise.  This is bigger than that.  Perhaps I still need to meditate, do yoga, exercise, but without those "happy pills" I don't think I'll ever achieve "normality" without them.  Like when someone has to take iron pills for anemia, perhaps I have to take "normal" pills for normalcy.

I have so much inside to say but I'm not sure I have the energy or mental capacity now to continue.... *sigh* I repeat, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. 

Feeling Good But Missing Mom

I'm feeling good these days.  I'm afraid of this feeling though.  You ever get that feeling?  Like things are good but you're terrified to be okay with it?  I think it's born of the assumption that just as soon as I feel good it'll change and I'll be even more unhappy because i had a brief glimpse of that happiness.  I know I've got some bi-polar in me, so perhaps it's just the bi-polar or maybe a change in diet REALLY does make a difference but against my best judgment and against all my insecurities and fears I feel good these days, and even if it's just a brief moment in time, I'm liking this feeling.  I want it to stay forever, though it probably won't, it never does, even for the happiest person in the world, but I feel okay.  But have you guys ever been there?  happy but there's a part of you that knows it can't last.  How do you deal with it?  Live the good you get I suppose. 

Today I went and took photos for a friend who wants a modeling portfolio, maybe I'm just on the high of seeing what I can do.  I looked at the photos and I think, who took these?  Granted they aren't the best modeling photos you'll ever see, but man did I surprise myself!  I never thought I could take pictures like that.  I LOVE photography, and usually I take "art" pictures and when I feel like taking people pictures ("modeling-esque), I usually use myself because I fear most people don't know how to model, I only know cause I dabbled.  Anyway, I looked at the pics and I'm amazed with myself.  Helps with the happy feeling.  I wish I'd gotten into photography when I was younger because perhaps I would have attempted that path and now I feel like it might be too late (I know it's never too late).  I realized today how much it sucks to do something you think of as "good" and to not have mom to tell.  When I was in college my college professor, who'd lost her mom too, told me she knew how hard that could be cause you don't have anyone left to tell your accomplishments to.  It's true, today I wanted to call my mom and tell her how proud I was to have done such a good job with this shoot.  I wanted to tell her how I think I could do this if I really tried, as a career.  I wanted to ask her what I should do, do I really try?  Do I really figure out how to succeed as a photographer?  But then I realized I couldn't.  So I called my sister and told her I wanted to brag a little.  So I texted my BFF to tell her randomly how I thought I did a good job.  I felt like a braggart.  But if my mom was here I wouldn't, and she would tell me how great I was even if I'm not.  Despite feeling good, I realize I still miss my mom, for the little things like telling her my accomplishments.  I don't even have a special someone to tell to, to support me and to puff up my feathers a little so to speak.  It's okay, I know it's what it is and I can't change it, but though I feel happy and "good" these days, I still miss my mom.  But that's okay, it's allowed.

Happy 4th everyone!!

Undisputable Proof Of Capability

the other day when I read this is resounded so strongly within me.  I'm not fully "capable" yet, and at what, I'm not sure, but I feel a little change.  Not a big one, like I need, but a small one, and right now I need that small feeling of change.  Maybe more than I need the BIG change I want.  The small change (which comes from I don't know where) is important because it's like the first step in AA, they always say the first step is the hardest, and if I feel as though I'm succeeding at this tiny step, maybe I can fulfill the big change.  Maybe I need this small change this small FEELING, not even a change really, to remind me how strong I am and how I can do what I need or want.  Course this feeling is BRAND new so check in with me again in a week but right now it's a glimmer of hope and I need that glimmer.  :)

Sorry I've been so quiet recently.  I hope everyone is well.  Happy soon-to-be Fourth everyone!  :) 

Undisputable Proof of Capability

The sudden realization that you are entirely capable of realizing the objectives you set for yourself can awe you today. You may feel particularly capable, clever, and creative, or you may simply understand that your aptitudes are refined enough to carry you forward. However, if you do not feel an inspirational sense of self-assurance today, consider devoting a portion of your free time to focused introspection. As you reflect upon your past, the triumphs you see in your own life’s history can prove to you that you have met the universe’s challenges with aplomb. You can make the most of the glory you see today by channeling the pride you likely feel into your goal-realization efforts in the present.

Our past accomplishments can be a wonderful source of inspiration and motivation because they demonstrate to us that we have within us what it takes to make our dreams come true. We encounter much in our individual journeys that can awaken the specter of self-doubt in our minds and hearts. To combat these demoralizing forces, we should look toward the achievements that made us feel proud and capable. As we review these triumphs in our mind’s eye, our determination to successfully realize our current objectives is reaffirmed. We instinctively understand that no trial or test we face in the future will be more trying than that which we were called upon to best in the past. You will find the strength to move forward today when you look backward and see the many great feats you have already performed.

Permission To Enjoy Life

Just like a child at the dinner table, I often feel as though I should be asking some unknown person or thing if I may please be excused from the table of unhappiness.  I know I didn't clean my plate but please let me leave this table and go "outside" and play with everyone else.  No body else's has been made them stay and lick the plate clean so why must I?

Often when we lose a loved one, we get caught in this cycle of sadness because it's hard to smile without them.  Sometimes we feel we shouldn't be smiling yet.  Guilt.  Sometimes we feel as though we shouldn't smile without them, period, as though they might be looking down on us getting mad that we're having fun even though they are gone.  I understand these feelings.  I had them.  I don't still have them, I know it's safe to smile even though my mom is gone, but somehow I got stuck at the dinner table and have not been allowed to go out and play with the other "happy" people.  Unhappiness likes to keep me captive, until whatever it's dished up for me has been entirely eaten.  And I'm not saying I LIVE in misery, I've cleaned my plate before, it's just that it's been filled back up before I was able to ask permission to be done with another helping. 

Sometimes we just have to ask permission anyway.  However unlike when we were children, it's not our parents from whom we are asking permission, and it's not life and it's not unhappiness who we have to ask.  We have to ask the hardest person in the room to get a yes from.  We have to ask ourselves. "Excuse me inner-self, but may I please be excused from the unhappiness?  Will you please allow me to be free, to go outside and play without concern that you will come back?"

Under no circumstances do I have the answer.  I feel as though I've asked myself over and over again and that my inner-self never wants me to leave the table because she keeps saying, "No." It seems so simple, just ask politely and be free.  That SHOULD be how it works.  I've been told maybe before, but somehow before I get to a full-fledged Yes, I keep getting more and more put on my plate.  I guess sometimes we just have to ask and run away before we get the answer.  Heck sometimes, maybe we just have to say "Hey look over there" and then run!  I want to be care-free and happy, I think we all do.  I want to give myself permission, I just haven't figured out how to say "yes" yet. 

I have so many things that keep me from saying yes.  So many judgments and rules and stipulations I give to myself that it's no wonder I haven't been able to leave yet.  My plate is over-flowing and when I finally clear it, somehow I manage to pile on another generous helping of judgment or rules or standards that are too high to reach to take place of what I've already eaten.  Maybe I've stopped asking; gotten too afraid of hearing no over and over again. Maybe it's time I asked again. 

I feel like, as people who have had tough times in our lives, we have to consciously make a choice to ask.  Some people never had to ask, they never had to sit down at our table filled with tough life situations.  Some people finished their plate of unhappiness and never had a refill.  That's not the case for me.  So maybe it's time I asked again.  Maybe it's time I made a commitment to leaving the table and not coming back.  Maybe I should run away from this restaurant that keeps supplying with a never-ending portion and find a different restaurant.  Maybe stop going to that restaurant.  A "life" diet perhaps.

It's hard to make the choice.  It's hard to leave "unhappiness" behind for fear that once you're finally free and happy that it might come back. But for people like me it's crucial to ask permission because without permission I will definitely not leave the table.  Without permission I will just sit there, unhappily eating, wishing I were outside doing ANYTHING else.  I don't know what I'll do once I choose to ask and to move forward with a yellow smiley face glued to my forehead, and I don't know how to take off that smiley face and replace it with a real, true whole-hearted smile, but I think it's time to try.  Time to figure out a way to leave that crap behind.  To start being happy with who I am, happy with who I want to be, with who I will become.  It's time I start taking control of the things that "hold me back", the fears, the insecurities, the concerns and constant wife-like nagging that I do to myself.  I have no idea what direction I'll run away in once I do get up and leave.  No idea where to even find a map so that  can get away from this table but I know it's time to say no the the extra portions I seem to be serving myself, to stand up, walk outside and keep walking in whatever direction I can go until that tiny table of unhappiness is long gone.  In my past, out of my life.  It's time I start trying harder to get away from this table.  Ask until I give up and say, forget it, you're free, go play.

It's a terrifying idea.  I've been at this table consistently for so long, I won't even know where to begin.  But I do know that I can't start, can't leave this table without a conscious decision to do so, to at least try.  Don't we owe that to ourselves, to at least try to get away from this table that keeps pulling us back from time to time, or that never really lets us leave?  Haven't we had enough to hold us over for... ever?  Don't we have a right to be outside playing too?  I don't know how it will be accomplished, it's almost a guarantee it won't be easy.  I don't think just excusing myself will free me from the judgments and rules and expectations I put on myself.  I'm not sure I'll even know how to let go of all the things that keep me at the table.  I have no idea  what I'll do to make sure I don't come back but I do know one thing:  It's time I asked for permission to enjoy life.

A Picture Says A Thousand Words

I have this problem of living in the past, well not living in the past but I have a very strong love of reminiscing.  I'm not sure if this is an MD thing or an Ellie quirk.  The other day I was looking through pictures from when I was small. I have one favorite of me and my mom; one that if I hadn't already attached the picture to an album and if I had multiple copies of, that I'd carry around everywhere I went.  So here it is and the story behind it.  What about you?  If you could carry just one picture around of you and your mom, do you have a favorite?

First the story:  My mom was diagnosed with her Ovarian Cancer (the kind she passed of) in January of '98, well December '97/January '98, it's a tad fuzzy.  I remember them telling us on a Wednesday, that part's not fuzzy.  Anyway, after she was diagnosed, there were surgeries and her getting sick and looking BAD, then 3-ish months later, she seemed to be getting better.  3-ish months I remember because my birthday is in March and I was turning 17.  Course it'd been quite a year but somehow we were doing better, maybe she was faking it, pretending to be better for my sake.  I wouldn't put it past her.  Anyway, my birthday rolled around and we ended up having a family party.  Some old friends from our time in Palm Beach happened to be in town and friends of the family, people my parents had known for what seems like forever who now lived in our town, had all descended upon our house for our "little" family party.   I don't remember a lot of my birthdays being celebrated like this.  I remember crappy birthday parties where things would fail like, I'd miss the bus (3rd grade), or in 8th grade when I planned a huge park bday party and no one showed up.  Birthday's weren't my strong suit apparently.  Maybe because the past couple of months had been so different, maybe that's why we kept it just "family" or maybe we wanted it to be even more special but whatever the case it was my family and good family friends.  My mom knew how to make me feel special (I mean whose mom didn't) but she was good at knowing me and making ME feel great.  So we had our bday dinner, our cake and we played stupid birthday party games that my mom had planned out like pin the tail on the donkey.  Yes I was turning 17 and playing pin the tail on the donkey. lol  I remember "cheating" as my mom called it.  The donkey was pasted on our patio door and it was a glass door created out of sections of glass and I had studied the image and after I was blindfolded I simply walked over and "felt" my way to the tail of the donkey.  My mom, smart as she was, knew exactly what I was doing.  I lost for cheating but not after a friendly heated "argument" that I had with my mom.  I tried to convince her that I was merely using my wits to win and not so much cheating.  My argument did not sway her and I still lost, the argument AND the game.  lol  But I digress (as usual).  Everyone was "forced" to play.  When it was my mom's turn I got to blindfold her.  I spun her around a few times and sent her on her way to the donkey.  I don't remember this picture being taken but I'm thankful to whoever took it.  I think it sums up everything.  How much fun my mom always wanted to make things for me, how willing she was to look silly, how much fun we had being silly.  How strong she was even though she'd lost so much weight from the cancer.  How much I loved her.  I may have had some crappy birthday parties in my years but I will never forget the last one I had with my mom and how truly lucky I am to have had it.  My sister wasn't as lucky, her birthday fell one month to the day after our mom died.  But there are things I had she didn't have, but things she had I'll never have (high school graduation with our mom).  I think we're both lucky.  Anyway, this is MY picture, the one that sums of my life with my mom.  And I treasure it daily.  

What does yours look like?

Nothing Like a "Friendly" Reminder That I Suck :p

UHH!  Like I don't feel unaccomplished and not understood enough, today I made a mild comment about how a normal 30 year old wouldn't feel so excited about Toy Story 3 and one of my high school friends made a comment about how we aren't 30 yet, we're still 29.  But there's two things here.  1, I'm adopted and as I've gotten older I've started to feel like my birthday (which is made up) is wrong and that I'm older than I am, only by like 6 months but still around this time of year I accidentally start saying I'm older than I am.  I already know that sounds crazy, but whatever, it's what I feel.  So now I'm trying to explain what I feel about my birthday without sounding too nuts.  But also to make me sound even more abnormal or "behind the bar" my friend mentions that she doesn't want to be 30 yet because her goal is to finish her PhD by 31 and she needs the extra year. I started to respond back that I've since given up on my 30 year old "goals" and that's why being 30 doesn't matter to me.  I deleted it, cause like I need another reason to sound nuts.  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friends who are accomplishing things in their lives and I know they have no idea, but sometimes I want to scream, "GREAT I GET IT!!  YOU'RE AWESOME I SUCK!  MY MOM DIED AND CLEARLY I WASN'T GREAT ENOUGH TO ACCOMPLISH MY GOALS AND SURVIVE THAT!  No need to rub it in."  And sometimes I feel like they're looking at me thinking, God, why they hell does she suck so much?  To which I repeat the above. 

I feel like I'm the black sheep of my high school and I'm being judged (I'm sure I'm not) but I feel like it and I just want to yell at them that I don't suck, I was just dealt a crappy hand for this life and to stop judging me for not being "normal" successful.  I just feel like I'm being unfairly compared and I want it all to stop!  But if I do scream, "My mom died, sorry I couldn't get my PhD AND deal with that" then I'm I KNOW they'll start thinking I'm nuts and really judge me.  But I feel like I'm the loser and they can't see that it's not because I'm a loser but because my life's been a little tough since high school.  *sigh* I know I'm just whining, but do you guys ever feel like that?  Like you just want to scream for them to stop rubbing it in? I know they're not, I just want to scream it sometimes.  My first instinct was to say, "well I'm not working on a PhD and have given up my goals so I don't care if I'm 30." but I know that's not normal or okay to say and I know she didn't mean it in the way it came out, and I'm happy she's going to get her PhD, I just don't need to be reminded that I'M not.  Or that I'm not getting married or having babies or doing ANYTHING with my life, or that I'm "conventionally" successful, I already know that.  Thanks.

Okay I feel slightly better, sorry guys.  I'm hoping you guys kinda understand my rant, and don't just think I'm nuts too.  *off to breath deeply and re-focus my energy back to the good side*  :)

Everybody Needs a Celeb Once In A While ;)

So I'm not a HUGE celeb fan, I kinda of tend to dislike them, or how they behave.  Cause I think so many of them are fake.  Often times I feel like they claim to support a cause but when it comes down to it, unless it's good for their image, they don't.  I also have a love/hate relationship with Twitter (this is going some place I promise).. lol  I love that Twitter has changed means of communication.  I started using Twitter a long time ago to get updates on news.  I thought that was great!  I love the potential Twitter has for connecting the world and doing good.  I hate that I'm following Lindsay Lohan. I hate that I have allowed myself to get sucked into that weird , "must peek into someone else's life" thing.  Though it is entertaining.  LOL  But I digress.  What I find interesting about Twitter is that you start to gauge the "real" side of those famous people I hate that I'm following.  Sometimes it sucks to know that someone you admire is really, in "real" life mean, or not nice or "bad", but it's good to know that, we probably don't need to idolize our idols the way _I_ do.

Okay so background, somewhat explained.  Sorta.  Whatever.  Okay so a while back I thought, Oh, great look how much you can connect the world with Twitter.  Look how many "followers" a person can get (I also hate the "follow" concept, but it can be good).  When a person had thousands of followers a message can get to the world faster.  So in my infinite wisdom (insert self-deprecating smile here) I created a Twitter account for Motherloss.  I thought, if the world can follow anyone at the click of a button and if people can "tweet" about being an MD then GREAT!  More awareness, less people feeling alone...  You get the picture.  Well actually originally I started with JUST an MD thing but I've recently changed it to "Motherloss" for everyone.  Anyway so Twitter account created.  I've worked "hard" to try to get awareness.  It helps when you have famous people or people with thousands of followers.  Thus far, I've learned that famous people like causes but not always are they willing to "help" raise awareness just with a click.  That kind of saddens me, but won't stop me from trying to raise awareness for us Motherloss.  But again I digress, I pretty much HAVEN'T stayed on subject, if you're still reading and still know what's going on, well that makes one of us. ;)

A few months ago Miss USA was crowned, (I will not start on THAT subject) lol but because the current "Queen" (is that what they're called?) the current crown-holder intrigued me.  Right after she was crowned people started claiming she was Hezbollah and saying other slanderous things about her.  She's Lebanese and was raised mostly in Michigan.  Of course the slander made me want to learn more about her.  During my "research" I found out that her cause (I guess they all pick causes), anyway her cause is Ovarian Cancer and Breast Cancer awareness.  Breast cancer awareness is common but Ovarian Cancer is less common.  Since my mom died of Ovarian Cancer, I was instantly intrigued.  So I "followed" her on Twitter.  (I swear to you, the point is coming up!!).  I've "tweeted" back and forth with her occasionally and of course MOST of the time when she tweets random things it's basic tweet stuff.  "Driving in the car", "Headed to dinner", "putting on my shoe" (whatever) lol but I have tweeted occasionally about her cause.  She's always seemed kind about it but I who knows, it's Twitter for Pete's sake!  Anyway, I feel proud of myself because I got her to follow Motherloss.  Now this may not seem big to you guys but A), I've tried to gain "celeb" followers because they have a greater connection than I, and let's be honest, in this world today, if you don't have a "celeb" on your side, it's a heck of a lot harder to get awareness.  Again, I've tried to get others to uhh, join the cause but they just didn't seem to care enough to click follow.  So yay, that she seems more true about her "cause" than I expected.  B) Yay because whenever she tweets Motherloss now, everyone will know and slowly I will build the awareness with her help and everyone else's help who feel like helping! :)  And C) I feel like I made a small step in the right direction.  Again I'm not putting everything on Celebs, I already think they have too much "power", but we all need a celeb now and again.  So to have her follow and help raise awareness, well it gives me some hope that one day my "big plan" will work out.  The plan is too big to get into now but Mandy knows, so Mandy I expect a virtual hi-five right about... NOW! ;)

Again I know this might now seem like a really big deal to you guys but I've been working on Motherloss for years, it's my baby and some days I feel like I'm about as useful as if I were pushing Jello up a cement hill on a hot day and some days I'm reminded that maybe I can create awareness, maybe I can get to the "big plan".  If I can get a new person every day to realize that being an MD can be tough but that they aren't alone, well then it was a good day.  A slow process but to me every little bit counts.  Getting someone "famous" or rather with many followers, well it can only help reach others who might be without a mom.  Anyway, today was a good day for Motherloss or least I think so.  Today I feel like maybe it's okay to "sell my soul" to the rich and famous if it means I can reach a wider audience.  lol

Just be happy for me, even if you don't think it's all that great.  ;)  Just lie to me.  Just this once.  lol

Stunted Growth

I feel like I've grow up "wrong".  And I feel like that has hurt me in some ways and helped me in others.  In one way, I'm good at being an emotional grown-up.  But on the flip-side, I feel like I'm still a kid who just never grew up.  I feel like because of my mom's death I've lost out of things "normal" kids have.  Like when I should have been in college planning a future, deciding what I "want to be when I grow up", I was busy trying to make it to the next day.  I feel like people my age know what they want, know what they need, and I'm lost, I have no idea what I want or need.  I went to the college I picked out with my mom.  I was going to major in a degree that she'd mentioned she thought I'd be good at.  I planned my life based on my dead mother and I've been floundering ever since.  In the past 12 years I've struggled finding the right job, the right life, the right every thing.  It's like now that she's gone I can't make a decision, I don't know what's best for me.  And I'll be honest, I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of not knowing what I need, of wishing I had her to tell me.  I'm sad that I let my dead mother pick this life for me since she's not here to help.  I'm sad that I never finished college because I picked a school and a degree because of my dead mom.  I'm not blaming her, but I feel like her death stopped me cold in my tracks and I've never really been able to start up again.  I feel like I was gyped, like I should have been making a life plan but instead I was grieving her and now it's too late to go back and be a college student bumming off your parents while you figure out life.  Sure I could go back to college but my bill still have to be paid, because I never made my decision then.  Sometimes it makes me more sad to think that I've wasted this much of my life and I'm not sure I can fix the damage I've created in my own life.

But to end this on a positive note or to try, I can accept that my life has played out how it's supposed to.  That if my mom were alive (it'd be great), but if she were alive I would be a very different person.  Some ways good of course, but other ways NOT good at all.  In some ways if she were still alive I wouldn't have the courage and strength to take some of the chances I've taken, not because I don't have that strength and courage, but because I would have relied on her for that strength and courage, and that's not bad either, but I can be happy in knowing that though she's gone, I do have strength and courage that wouldn't have had to surface were she alive today.  To me that's a good thing.  I meet people in life who haven't had to find their courage and their strength and sure, sometimes I'm a little jealous that their life seems "easier" but I know it's a good thing that I'm stronger and have been forced to find that.  Does this make any sense?  Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself today, that I'm better despite the loss.  Hard to convince myself, especially today, but ...  Ya know, if I succumb to that negative feeling, and don't fight it... well that wouldn't be good.  So as lame and thinly-veiled my attempt to see the positive, I know it's important to try, even if it is a crappy attempt. ;)

You Never Really Leave Me Do You Mom??

I feel, if you're like me, the we often find ourselves focusing solely on the things we miss about our Moms.  What we don't have now that she's gone.  Things about her, what she could teach us, what we've lost because we lost her.  Basically all that is HERE.  If you're like me, you found yourself thinking, "yes, yes, yup, uh huh" etc.  But within us we carry Her.  She has molder what we are today, by being there, by raising us, teaching us and even in leaving us.  She has ingrained herself on our souls, hearts and our personalities.  Even 12 years later, I know that my mom is still a part of my personality. Even though she's not HERE daily, she's still so much of who I am.  So today I "challenge" you to really sit and acknowledge what part of you comes directly from your mom.  What has she imprinted in you that is so strong that it's as though she is still physically present in your life?  Is it your nose?  Your laugh?  Perhaps it's a personality quirk?  Your love of fruits or vegetables?  A love of art?  Music?  These things we hold so dearly that come from our moms, that shape us daily in major and minor ways, these are the legacies our moms left, WE are their legacies.  So what did she give you?

As for me I get my love of words from my mom.  She used to get made fun of  because out of habit she would use "big words" instead of smaller, common words.  Growing up she used to do the crossword with her father and somehow she just got used to using "crossword" words instead of "normal" words.  I didn't get the brains to do crosswords but I do still love words.  I do wish I got the brains to do crosswords, but that's probably more my fault than hers. ;)

The Feminist within me comes directly from my mom.  She was a Feminist to the core, inside and out.  Back in the 70's she was a very forward thinker, a hippie in many senses of the word.  She believed strongly in Title IX, the right that all girl's sports in schools should get the same funding and rights as boy's sports teams.  I ran track and cross country and played basketball and soccer in high school all because my mom was such a Title IX proponent.  She was all about women's rights.  The right to make your own conscious choices.  I get that from her.  I get my belief in all human rights from my mom too.  I wonder what she would think of the world today if she were alive, I think she'd be happy in the direction we are moving, probably.

I get my ability to KNOW how to be healthy from my mom, though I did not get the desire to do so from her.  I wonder though if she really DESIRED to be macrobiotic but she did for her health and her life, for her kids, her family.

I get my family values from her.  I get my belief that there can be a Utopian Family Life because it's what she created for my family.  I believe strongly in family and being a unit as a family, dinners together, family fun time, family vacations, unconditional family love.  My ability to be a glue to my family is due 100% in part to her.  I saw her do it growing up and somehow learned how to do it myself.  As does my ability to give unconditional love.  She showed me unconditional love by giving it to me and to this day, I know I can give others unconditional love because of her.

Strength.  In death she gave me strength.  A strength I never knew I had within, but after she died, I found that strength to get to where I am today.  And while there are times when I feel as though that strength has left me, I know even in those worst moments of feeling weak, that because I continue on, I have strength.  Because of her.

My mom was very aware of her feelings and spoke of them often, I think it's safe to say I do that too... ;)  But because of that and because she made us talk about our feelings she was a good person to talk to.  If people in her life needed advice or just an ear to listen, she was often the one they called.  I think to a small degree (though not nearly as much as her) I got that quality.  The ability to be a good listener, she was a great one, I'm not as great but I think I still get that quality from her.  She made people so comfortable when it came to talking about their problems, I feel (hope) I have that too. On the flip side, she was a talker, as am I.  :)

I get my sense of humor and my love of laughter from her.  She loved to laugh and was so often smiling.  Thanks for that mom.  :)

Boy is there a lot of stuff when you really sit down and think about it.  This is not a finished list, but certainly a long list that I don't think about nearly as much as I should.  So how about you?  What's your list look like?

Deep Thoughts at 3:30am?

No, there are no deep thoughts at 3:30AM.  There are wishes that I could have my mom back.  I've always been a pretty bad sleeper.  Even when I was in middle school I would ask my mom to come lay in bed with me until I "fell" asleep.  I never fell asleep.  Instead I would lay there with my head on her chest listening to her heartbeat and the quiet soft almost theraputically calm air entering her lungs and then a moment later, leaving her lungs.  Another moment that deep calming sound of air entering her lungs would start and another moment and it would leave again.  I would lay like that for as long as I could keep her there.  I would listen to her heartbeat and her breath until she thought I was asleep, then she would quietly and without "waking me up" slide out from under my head and leave me to sleep.  Some nights (not too many so she wouldn't figure out my tricks), some nights I would twitch or move a little after a little while so she knew I was still awake and would stay longer.  I never fell asleep that way, but I'm pretty sure within a half an hour of her leaving, whenever she did, I would fall asleep.  I might have fallen asleep even before that should she not come lay with me but I'm going to assume that's not really the case.

So here I am, yet another night WIDE AWAKE.  Did I mention my alarm has to go off in 3 hours and that I have to work a 12 or so hour day tomorrow with 4 legs?  No, well I do and no matter how hard I tried earlier to go to bed, I just couldn't.  Where's mom when I need her.  Why hasn't this ever gone away without her?  After she died my insomnia went from "teenage-esque" to OUT OF CONTROL.  I was still up at 4:30 despite the fact that I would have to be at school in 3 and half hours. No wonder I feel asleep during ALL my French tests.  If only my French teacher had known, maybe she would have just let me sleep and DREAM in French. Eventually over the years it became manageable.  I think manageable is out the window again.  I have HOPES that this will force me to be so exhausted tomorrow night after work that maybe just maybe I'll be able to sleep like a normal person.  My favorite part of insomnia is that if stay awake and force myself to a "normal" bedtime (10-ish), then the insomnia sits in and I find myself WIDE AWAKE.  However at about 6 or 7 tomorrow night I'll want to pass out.  That will be a delightful feeling until I wake up at 10 or 11 and then won't be able to sleep until ....  Uhh won't be able to sleep.  Tomorrow's gonna be an awesome day. 

But back to where this all started, damn, where did this all start??  Insomnia sucks and Ambien is great if I can plan it perfectly, but the only REAL solution to MY insomnia is mom.  Damn.  There are days when this injustice falls higher on the list of injustices that come directly from the loss of my mom.  I suppose since I have clearly run out of anything useful to say (did I even HAVE anything useful this evening?), well all the more reason to attempt one LAST time for maybe 2.5 hours of sleep, or whatever?

Uhh, in the future these will be slightly more useful to the MD community ;) and less a rant of my current insomnia life. ;)

An Introduction of Sorts (Mission Statement?)

My mom died when I was 17.  I'm now 29.  For four years I struggled with really bad depression.  My Mom died in April and my Dad starting dating in June or July of that same year.  So that didn't help my battle.  I understand now that all those things I questioned "Did he really love her if he just moved forward so quickly?", "Why does it seem like he's more interested in his new girlfriend (to be wife eventually), than he is in his grieving daughter?"  "Why do I feel so alone?"  I understand those questions and their answers now.  He did still love her, in fact as she was dying she told him she didn't want him to be a sad old man with a dead wife and that he should go find a new one to love and who will love him.  She loved him she knew he would grieve her forever if she didn't tell him to do otherwise.  And he loved her so much he did what she told him to do and he probably also knew he couldn't live without another woman in his life.  He didn't replace my mom but he found a new women, just like my mom told him to do.  As for why I felt so alone, well he was in a new relationship and be to quite honest I didn't REALLY understand why until years later why I started dating someone and realized everything else gets forgotten, not on purpose it just happens.  I wasn't alone, I just didn't want to be with the new happy couple then.  Makes sense now, but you're 17 and grieving, it doesn't always make sense.

So for all of that, plus the dead mother, I grieved and while no one knows how to grieve I really didn't know how.  And again I felt alone.  Sure for a few weeks after the death people always want to check in with you and take care of you but then when the dust settles, they have to go back to their lives, I understand that.  I won't detail the next 4 or so years of my life in great detail, but I will say that all these things led me to a severe depression.  Severe enough that one day in college I found myself taking myself to the emergency room because I'd taken a handful of random pills, I don't remember exactly what they were but I know there were many excedrin PM.  Now this being said, I wasn't trying to kill myself,  I never took enough to do that, but I did take enough to need an overnight stay in ICU, maybe it was 2 nights.  It also made me realize I'd let this depression thing really take hold of me.  It was the proverbial rock bottom.  And thank goodness for that.  So I moved forward, trying to figure out how to get from rock bottom back on top again.  My obsession with Celine which had started back in 98 when my mom died was back in action though slightly less than it was right after she died for that 1 and half years?  After I dropped out of college (wow, so much sharing that no one really knows!), after I dropped out of college I moved to Massachusetts where we once lived when my mom was alive.  I moved in with a woman and her family who were part of a big Italian family that my mom was so close to, I just called them family, it was like our family got adopted into their family.  So I thought, since I'd had this "thing" in FL, the best way to be put together was to go "home" where I would be loved and where I could put myself together with help.  Unfortunately I was wrong, the fault was my own for not realizing that they had different plans than I had.  I think it's possible they thought I was over it and I most certainly was not.  So rather than getting a well-adjusted girl from their dead best friend, they got me, a still mostly depressed little girl in the shell of a 19 year old.  Needless to say, that didn't go to.  Within 6 or so months I moved away, ran away is more like it.

Still miserable I moved to DC to live with my Mom's Brother his Wife.  I'm not 100% sure if my uncle knew what he was getting into but I think my aunt did.  We lived in a large house (the first one) where I lived on the bottom part and they made it a lot like home.  I was never required or expected to do anything aside from normal things, you know, keeping living areas clean if I use them, but down there I had my own room, study, bathroom, minifridge, microwave I think?  I basically was set up, and I had my own entrance so it was like living in my own apartment but I was welcome to family things but not forced.  I was making another attempt at school.  I wasn't paying rent but I still needed things so I got a job as a hostess at a local restaurant.  Moving to DC was CRUCIAL to my healing in so many ways.  To be free to be "a bird with a broken wing" as my aunt likes to call it, was really helpful.  There weren't expectations that seemed out of my realm of possibilities.  As I began to grow stronger for myself my Celine obsession become less crazy and more just a Celine fan.  About 4 years after my mom died, when I lived in DC I won tickets to the taping of a concert of hers.  It was in LA and I had to basically BEG my dad to help me because I think I hadn't quite made enough money for a trip to LA.  Anyway, at this point I know that I was happy with who I am, where I'd become and while meeting Celine would have felt right into my checklist, if it didn't happen it wouldn't send me back to my destructive depression.  I feel as though this is getting long.  Anyway to try to keep it shorter, I met Celine, completely by chance and luck and some tears (on my part).  That closed a chapter I had kept open for 4 years.  The Chapter on really bad depression.  And I had pulled myself out of it for myself (with help from a very understanding family), but meeting Celine was the closing of that chapter.

After that, what progress I'd made through the depression progressing even FASTER and next thing I knew I was basically happy.  I started figure skating, which was an interesting thing to begin with.  The short of it is that I saw a skater there that I really liked, but couldn't put a finger on it.  Perhaps it was because she'd trained at the Russian Olympic Prospect School, or because she was so beautiful when she skated, but I realized it was because I saw her as a mother figure, without even knowing.  I realized that when I pulled into the parking lot one night and saw her pulling her child out of her car, happy and in love with him, to which my response was to immediately start bawling in my car in the parking lot.  I knew then that while I was happy I was still struggling with my mom's loss.

So I sought out a meetup group for women who have lost their moms.  The first group was at a bar and there were three of us, shy and nervous and timid and did I mention nervous?  It was especially hard for us to go in and ask where the group of women whose mothers are dead are seated.  We ended up calling ourselves The MDs since it sounded better than Motherless Daughters.  What I learned from these MDs was not your normal "Support group" stuff.  What I learned seemed even more important to me, that we are not alone.  We're not alone if our moms die when we're 17 or 47 or whenever.  I only lived in DC for another year or so but we tried to get other MD meetups going.  Then I moved to LA and I think that group from DC sort of flamed out.  I tried in LA but I was not as successful as I was in DC.  Now here I am in Chicago, connected to the world by internet, Facebook, Twitter, etc and if I have to run this group from the internet for now, I will.  And that's fine, the point is to connect other women up with other MDs so they never have to feel alone like I did for many years.  No disrespect to my family, but I still felt alone, without other women who can help me and whom I can maybe help.  That's what I needed over those 4 years of severe depression, not family but to know I'm not alone and to connect up with women who are in the same situation I was in (to a degree).  I want to connect ALL of us up, and maybe this is the next step from Facebook Groups and Twitter accounts.

I also want to be able to show we've all been there, we've all been in such misery that we've considered stupid things (or done them--in my case).  I'm hoping that my "Full Monty-esque" life can show you it's still ok.  I'm hoping others will join by leaving comments and their own stories.  I hope to bring thought provoking questions to help us move forward, help us feel unlost, or whatever we need, I just want to help us all.  I don't have it all figured out yet, exactly what I'll write here but I hope it helps to bring the community together and I hope it causes you all to add your words of wisdom, your thoughts, your rants and raves.  I have lots of books with lots of questions that I'm hoping we will all answer in the eventual healing.  I won't lie, I need help too.  And anything I write here I won't lie about.  I've told things above I've never told anyone outside a very close group of people, but I feel in order to know what hell we can make it though, you might need proof that I have, at least that one battle.  The entire fights not over yet but I want you to know as you're feeling your pain that you aren't alone.  Together we all get through this MD "thing" we were thrown into.  We should support each other.  I hope this works :)

Sorry for the long long first message, I was trying to sum up the previous struggles, clearly it took longer than I thought it would. ;)  They won't always be this long I promise. ;)